You have the type of beauty that does NOT fade with age, for it is the type of beauty that flows from fearing Jehovah! The most expensive clothing you will ever wear will not be from a designer’s closet, but from the life purchased by “The Designer’s” Son – the clothing of righteousness. You are daughters of God and you inherit His features; you have His kindness, gentleness and beauty. There are no brothers in the world that should be more proud of their sisters than we are. Along with this, there should be no brothers in the world who are more jealous for their sisters than we are. When I say jealous, I don’t mean jealous of you because I am envious of wanting something that doesn’t belong to me. But rather, I am jealous for you in the way the Bible calls, godly jealously (2Cor. 11:2), in which I zealously want God to have what belongs to Him, your undivided devotion. Sisters, you live in a society where femininity is almost completely lost. Women are said to be “lady like” when they are sex hungry, materialistic, independent, deranged, and have serial relationships. And truthfully, most of what we know about womanhood, especially sex, sexuality and dating, has NOT come from good teachers but from this world. There is so much competing for your heart dear sister and it is my earnest desire to guard and protect you.
There is a real enemy against you, and one of his greatest tools is the simple phrase: “Everybody is doing it.” What the world needs is more godly women who take a stand on the bible. You will be most influential on everybody else when you are most unlike everybody else. My hope is to give you some brotherly guidance to help protect your purity and develop your growth in the Lord. Lets start with biblical courtship. Here are some thoughts from a jealous brother:
God is not interested in developing you into the perfect girlfriend, but into an exemplary wife. For the women of God, there is but one reason why you should allow a man to draw near to you and that is for the purpose of marriage.
If a man is not ready to commit to you then he is not ready to court you. There is nothing more wasteful than dating for fun. This is the epitome of how the world practices things, where commitment means “test driving.” And then after you’ve spilled coffee on the seats, used up the gas and dented the doors you leave the car for somebody else to maintain.
Men and even “Christian men” are greatly responsible for this, but sisters you are not off the hook because you allow it. At all times, my beloved sister, you are another man’s wife. You belong to your future husband or collectively to the bride of Christ, but in either case, you are not your own and are not available for “test driving.” YOU WILL do tremendous damage to your life if you join the “serial monogamy” of modern dating. Hopping from one committed relationship to the next does not give you experience on how to stay committed to one man all life long. Rather, it teaches you to leave when things are not working out, and find somebody else. In other words, you’re being trained to divorce in the future. Contrary to popular belief, experience is not your strongest ally in a relationship, biblical wisdom is. The world would have you live and learn but the bible will have you learn and live.
There is a such thing as the gift of singleness and it is not the Lord’s will for everyone to marry. But I’ve come to believe that the “gift” of singleness is the same thing as the “state” of singleness. Figuring out if you have “the gift” or not is not of supreme importance because with or without “the gift” you are called to live a God-devoted life in your singleness. I know of several men and women who are in their late 50′s and have never been married. They would say that they have the gift of singleness, but almost all of them still desire to marry. It’s difficult to be single, but it is also difficult to be married. There is not a gift that makes singleness easier just like there is no gift that makes marriage easier. The phrase, “You complete me,” is a romanticized misunderstanding. We are not half beings hoping to find completion in some soul mate. We are whole beings made for God. You will only be complete in Him and that must be done with or without a spouse. I know the common question is, “Will I ever get married?” Well i don’t know, but if you are in Christ, I do know that you will never be alone.
What He must Be
Sisters you should only embrace a man that loves God more than He loves you. Only settle for a man who can lead you spiritually, who is capable of washing you in the Word. It would be tremendously better to remain single than to become one with someone who does not love Jesus. I understand that there are cases where the Lord has been gracious to save non-believing spouses, but know that is not ideal or normative. A man is incapable of loving you like Christ loved the church if He is does not know who Christ is.
Now I must warn you that you should equally be aware of brothers who are indeed christian, but indeed boys. Being a Christian doesn’t make you worthy of a wife.
Sisters, look for a man who knows the gospel, and will physically lay his life down for you like Jesus did for his bride. Look for a man who values sexual purity and avoids being in compromising environments with you. You want a man who knows where he is going in life and is not known to be inconsistent and irresponsible. Ladies, HE NEEDS TO HAVE A JOB (or at least be on His way to having a job). Not only is he to be a provider for the family, but he needs to know the necessity and difficulty of being industrious. If you are feeding him, clothing him and transporting him to places every week, then there might be an issue. Don’t settle for anything less than a worthy man.
What You must Be
Sisters you must learn to be attractive without being seductive.
The bible says, “Do not let your adornment be merely outward-arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel-rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” (1 Pet. 3:3-4)
The world will tell you that the way to keep a man is through your curves and body parts. And I say to you sister, any man that is kept by body parts is not worth keeping. Always remember, “What you catch them with is what you catch them to.” If a brother ONLY wants you because of the way you look, he will stop wanting you when you cease to look that way or a better looking woman comes along. Both will happen. Dress to impress a man’s spirit, not his lust. Check your motives, get godly counsel and intentionally try to serve your brothers by dressing modestly. Modesty is not old fashioned, but godliness on display. Allow a man to discover your beauty on his own rather than flaunting what you think he’ll like. I do encourage you to stay in shape, work out, and maintain a healthy size proportional to your body type. There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking good, your future husband will appreciate that. I see no biblical reason that forbids you from letting a man know how you feel about him, and putting yourself in an environment where connection can happen. But this information should flow out of a pure friendship, and those environments are most ideal in group settings. Don’t be secretive with your relationship – drown yourself in wise counsel. Thats what I did and I continue to do so, and it is one of the the most helpful tools in my marriage today.
Conclusion and Contentment
I know that many of you have been told that your concern in singleness should be contentment in Christ and not getting married. And although your concern should be contentment in Christ, wanting to get married is not a threat to that concern. Your desire to have a man, is a good and godly desire. It only becomes a problem when that desire for a future husband disrupts your present pursuit of the Lord – when that desire turns into doubt and you question if the Lord knows what He’s doing. Getting married does not fix our issues of contentment, it only give us another person to be discontent with. Contentment is satisfaction that is unmoved by circumstance because it only comes from having Jesus.
Grace to you my beloved sisters….