A few weeks ago as I was listening
to a track by Beleaf Melanin, I came across a line in which he says, “Why fall
in love when you can stand in it.” I paused and seriously thought about it, and
knew I had to address this sooner or later.
It was at that moment I realized
that most of the time we think we know what love is when we really don’t. I
mean the phrase “fall in love” seems harmless and on point, but did you ever
think about where that phrase came from or what it really means?
Our minds have been so poisoned that
we often don’t notice that we have a warped view of what love is, especially in
relation to the opposite sex.
What I want to do here is give you
something from what I’ve been learning from experience, observation and studies
about love.
If you know anything about my
history you’d know that I received an Honors award in heartbreakery and
infatuation, which is a prestigious award for the foolish and ignorant. I’ve
broken hearts and been heartbroken all because I thought I knew what love was
when I really didn’t. Even after Christ gave me a new heart I still thought
wrongly about love, and in the process hurt myself and others around me. I
remember often asking myself how long I’d keep moving in the same cycle, liking
the same girls, and ending up in the same trashy pile I just came from. I was
ready to give up on love entirely, it seemed hopeless and empty, because I
thought as long as I had anything to do with hearts there would be a crack
straight down the middle. I was tired of this, and I desperately needed a
break.
If you’ve ever gone swimming and
tried to keep your breath under water and eventually come up to breathe, you’d
know the feeling of relief and a rare appreciation for air. When I discovered
the true meaning of love it felt like a breath of fresh air as it filled up my
lungs and gave me life. When I found Joshua Harris, he gave me not just a fresh
view but a biblical and Christ centered perspective or outlook on love. He along
with people like Elisabeth Elliot, Randy Alcorn and a few others helped shape
my view on relationships, marriage and of course love. I had to correct quite a
few wrongs, which included seeking forgiveness from girls whose hearts I had
broken and living in repentance of my mistakes. Unfortunately I had to learn
the hard way. Do I regret those mistakes? Yes I do, I wish I could rewrite my
story, but what’s done is done. By God’s grace I lived to learn from my
mistakes, and pray someone learns from mine.
As I learnt what love really is, I
also learnt what it isn’t. The world has its own view of love which I had
believed for so long, and had allowed to corrupt me. The world’s view of love
is as follows:
1.) Love is for the fulfillment and
comfort of self. It’s all about me, and what I want.
2.) Love is a feeling. It’s all about
the warm fuzzy feeling you feel tickling your heart when it skips a beat every
time you see that special someone. If that feeling is not there, then it’s not
love.
3.) Love is uncontrollable. I can’t
control my feelings; they just happen and control everything about and around
me.
It’s scary how we probably think
along these lines when we try to define what love is, when in actual fact these
points describe what love isn’t. So at this point you may be asking what love
is. If it’s not primarily a feeling what is it?
To properly understand love we need
to go to the one thing that cannot make a mistake, is inerrant, and all
sufficient for everything, yes even about love, and that one thing is the Word
of God.
The Bible is a book about love, from
beginning to end, telling the greatest love story ever, about The King who
graciously died for people that didn’t deserve it (Rom 5:8). All those who find
forgiveness and life through Christ are called to follow in His steps, to love
others because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)
Through His perfect example, Christ
taught that:
1.) Love is the fulfillment of self but
for the glory of God and good of others.
True
love is completely selfless, it gives, sacrifices, and dies to its own needs
(John 15:13). Jesus died for us, and so we need to be willing to die for others.
2.) True love is not measured or
governed by feelings. True love always expresses itself in obedience to God and
service to others. Jesus says in John 14:15 that if we love Him we’ll keep His
commands.
3.) Love is under our control. Jesus
chose to love us by choosing to lay His life down for us. I once read that the
danger of believing that you “fall in love” is that it also means you can “fall
out of love” just as unexpectedly.
Some of you may say that this sounds
cliché and unreal, besides Christians have been known to be the cheesiest
people with the cheesiest lines, and all because they don’t see life for what
it really is. Most people who have this view are the same people who end up
getting screwed by ‘love’ and never learn from their mistakes, because they’ve
never known what real love is. And trust me, once you understand what real love
is it changes your life forever.
“When we extract the poison of self-love, our entire motivation in
relationships is transformed…more changes occur when we seek to love with
Christ’s love” – Joshua Harris
So what does this look like in
practice in our everyday lives? This may sound very theoretical, but what does
it look like before our eyes?
Let’s take an example of two people,
Steve and Courtney who like each other deeply but before they just throw
themselves into a relationship, they critically analyze themselves and ask
themselves these questions:
1.) What is my real intention for
getting into this relationship? Is it to satisfy my lusts or my feelings? Is it
because of social pressure?
2.) Am I awakening feelings that I won’t
be able to meet with equal commitment?
3.) If we get into a relationship is it
going to help or harm the other persons walk with God?
4.) If we do get into a relationship at
this moment, will someone end up getting hurt?
5.) Do I have a correct view of
marriage?
6.) Am I thinking about myself or doing
what’s best for her/him?
7.) Am I doing this just because I have
feelings for her/him?
These are some hard questions to
ask, and some of them painful, but it’s all for the good of others, the glory
of God, and your joy. Don’t let feelings guide you, but instead let your
feelings be guided by truth and true love (which is not primarily a feeling but
an action of goodwill towards another person backed by commitment). Love is a
service to and for someone else, and we need not go any further than 1
Corinthians 13:4-8 to understand this.
Love is
patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not arrogant.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no
record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never
fails.
This is love, it is pure, perfect, long-lasting,
true and God honoring. Love is a commitment; it’s sincere, unselfish, and
responsible. It’s not about what I can get, but about what I can give. It starts
with understanding Christ’s love and responding to it, and expresses itself in
how we love one another.
Pursue this kind of love, and don’t
let the world falsely define for you what they think love is.
Your friend,
